Book the dentist, chase up the insurance claim, plan the shopping, order a gift, and remember to water the plants before going away for the weekend. The list never ends – and for many women, it runs silently in the background of their minds every hour of the day. This unseen burden has a name: the mental load. It’s the constant thinking, planning and anticipating required to keep a household running smoothly, the invisible glue holding families together.
“The mental load is the seemingly never-ending to-do list we constantly carry around in our heads,” explains Dr Morgan Cutlip, a psychologist and the author of A Better Share. “It’s made up of primarily invisible tasks. That makes it hard to explain to partners, hard to hand off, and hard to receive appreciation for. On top of that, it crowds out space in our brains that could be used for peace, patience – or just remembering where you put your keys.”
The invisible weight
According to Leah Ruppanner, Professor of Sociology and Founding Director of the Future of Work Lab and the Gender Equity Initiative at the University of Melbourne, the mental load is not just anecdotal – it’s measurable.
“Our research finds that women hold 71 per cent of the cognitive labour tasks associated with the domestic sphere,” she says. “That’s a huge imbalance. Even though fathers are doing more housework and childcare than in previous generations, we haven’t equalised the mental load. Women are still absorbing its bulk.”
This imbalance, Professor Ruppanner explains, has profound consequences – not only for women’s wellbeing, but for relationships, families, and communities.
“When women don’t get relief from the load, they burn out,” she says. “We also know from our research that in countries where women have more power, everyone sleeps better. Taking care of women takes care of us all.”
More than chores
Often, when couples talk about sharing the load, they focus on physical tasks – laundry, mowing the lawn, or cooking dinner. But according to Dr Cutlip, that’s just one piece of the puzzle.
She breaks the mental load into three overlapping domains:
- The physical – jobs like grocery shopping or folding washing.
- The mental – planning and sequencing tasks.
- The emotional – calculations to keep the family functioning smoothly.
“If you imagine these as three circles, where they overlap is what I call the triple threat,” says Dr Cutlip. “The majority of household and family tasks fall into all three categories. That’s why so many women feel overwhelmed. Each item on a list comes with layers of mental and emotional energy.”
Take organising a child’s birthday party. On the surface, it’s just throwing a party. But beneath it sits a web of questions: who’s invited? Who might feel left out? Are there any allergies? What time will avoid clashing with nap schedules? Each layer compounds, making even small tasks weighty.
Too much to carry
While the mental load is often silent, its effects can be loud. “One of the clearest signs is resentment,” says Dr Cutlip. “When you start resenting the people you’re sacrificing for – the partner, the kids – that’s a signal the load is too heavy.”
Other red flags include:
- Being unable to rest or switch off.
- Feeling constantly ‘on’ and emotionally frayed.
- Irritability or snapping at loved ones.
- A creeping sense of invisibility or being taken for granted.
For some women, guilt compounds the problem. “We’ve been socialised to self-sacrifice, that being a ‘good mum’ means giving everything without a break,” says Dr Cutlip. “But stay-at-home mums work the equivalent of two and a half full-time jobs. No human can sustain that. It’s normal to need support.”
Why men don’t see it
Part of the challenge lies in the invisibility of the work. “Many men equate helping with doing a chore,” explains Dr Cutlip. “But if they just mow the lawn or take the bins out, it doesn’t necessarily relieve women’s anxiety, because the real weight is in the mental and emotional planning that sits behind those tasks.”
This mismatch can create a chasm in relationships. “Often women try to talk about this and are met with defensiveness or minimisation,” she says. “That can make them feel more alone and lead to a silent erosion of connection. Over time, it can even impact sex lives – when your mind is crowded, there’s no room for intimacy.”
Professor Ruppanner agrees, noting that while fathers are stepping up more, “we don’t have the shared vocabulary to really articulate what’s happening,” she says. “That’s one reason change has been slow.”
One of the most radical shifts women can make is reframing rest. “Many women see rest as something you earn once you’ve ticked everything off,” Professor Ruppanner says. “But the list is never done. We need to start seeing rest as essential, not a reward. Women don’t need to earn rest – they deserve it.”
Her research, as well as her upcoming book Drained, supports this. “We’ve found people sleep better in countries where women have more power,” she notes. “Taking care of women’s needs, including rest, benefits everyone.”
Modern family life is relentless, and as both partners are often working, the demands are heavier than ever. “In my survey of over 500 women, the two biggest shifts they wanted from partners were more initiative-taking and more appreciation,” Dr Cutlip says. “Even when partners can’t take tasks off your plate, offering genuine words of acknowledgement makes a huge difference. Appreciation fuels connection, warmth, and resilience.”
In this together
So, how do we start sharing the load? “One of the best ways to approach the conversation is to see the mental load as the enemy – not your partner,” says Dr Cutlip. “When couples externalise it, they can work together as a team to fight it. It’s not about blaming, it’s about strategising.”
Practical strategies include:
- Handing over full responsibility – give one person complete ownership (including the thinking work).
- Creating a shared language – naming the mental load helps couples talk about it without defensiveness.
- Regularly recognising your partner’s invisible contributions.
- Setting boundaries – saying no to unnecessary extras, and challenging old beliefs about self-sacrifice.
How to lighten the load
Name it. Start by recognising the mental load for what it is – the invisible work of running a household. Naming it helps bring it into the open.
Share responsibility, not just chores. Instead of splitting tasks down the middle, assign complete ownership. For example, if your partner takes on school lunches, they plan, shop and pack them from start to finish.
Build appreciation. A simple “thank you” goes further than you think. Make acknowledgement a habit.
Prioritise rest. Stop treating downtime as a luxury. Rest is a necessity, not a prize for finishing your list.
Revisit beliefs. Ask what you believe a “good mum” or a “good partner” should do. Challenge unrealistic standards.
Externalise the enemy. Remember: the problem is the mental load, not your partner. Approach it as something you can tackle together.
This article originally appeared in the December 2025 issue of The Australian Women’s Weekly. Subscribe so you never miss an issue.
