You’re winding down after a long day, the television on in the background, when the thoughts start to creep in.
If only I’d taken that job. If only we travelled more. What if I’d chosen differently on that occasion?
Nothing is actually wrong. And yet the feeling lingers – not unhappiness, more a quiet sense that something, somewhere, could be better.
According to therapist Kristen Mosier, author of Restless: How To Stop Living An If-Only Life, that feeling has a name: Restlessness.
“Restlessness is an emotion, just like anxiety or sadness, but we often don’t identify it as such in our lives,” she explains. “For the woman who is going about her day, checking off items on her to-do list, it can show up as a subtle dissatisfaction, a yearning for more ‘aliveness’, and a lingering question of, ‘Is this all?’”
What it can look like
Maybe you find yourself replaying a decision, wondering if you made the right choice. Even travelling somewhere new, you might question whether it lives up to what you had imagined. Or you may finally reach something you’ve been working towards, only to find yourself unable to be in the moment and asking: What comes next?
It can show up across all areas of your life – at work, at home, and in your relationships and friendships.
“As a couples therapist, I often see restlessness pop up in relationships,” Kristen says. “Sometimes, it’s resentment towards a partner who isn’t as eager to try new things, a general sense of boredom, or comparing your relationship to others and feeling that the grass is greener on that side.”
At work, Kristen adds, it might look like losing interest in the direction you’ve chosen, or “being interested in many career paths, but unsure of which one to take, sometimes getting caught up in indecision”.
“The harder we look for what might be missing in our life, the more we miss out on the life unfolding in front of us.”
Why it’s so hard to feel satisfied
In a world of endless options, having so many choices can start to feel like pressure to do more, choose better and keep moving forward.
“In a culture focused on being and attaining the best and the most, we are bombarded with messages telling us, ‘Keep looking because what you have – and who you are – is probably not the best. Keep searching for the best!’” says Kristen.
Yet even when we make a decision, we don’t always feel certain. “We ask ourselves, ‘Did I choose correctly? Would another path have been better?’ We live in a world of ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’.”
Add social media into the mix, continues Kristen, and it becomes even harder to feel content.
“We are constantly seeing other people’s seemingly superior lives on display … It’s easy to see our everyday lives as tedious compared to their stream of highlights.”
When we’re stuck in that “if only” or “what if” thinking, Kristen says, we’re essentially “fortune-telling or imagining a better future without any evidence”.
However, this kind of thinking usually comes at a cost. “The harder we look for what might be missing in our life, the more we miss out on the life unfolding in front of us.”
The brain that keeps us searching
There’s a scientific reason we keep looking for something more than we have.
“Research describes two psychological processes: wanting and liking,” Kristen explains. “Dopamine is part of the wanting system. This implies that dopamine mediates motivation and not necessarily pleasure.”
We’re wired to chase, not to feel satisfied once we get there, Kristen adds. “That is why sometimes achieving or acquiring what we want can feel like a let-down compared to the dreaming, scheming and anticipating that came before it.”
Understanding what’s behind it
By the same token, not all restlessness is the same. “Restlessness that appears as a by-product of boredom, fear of missing out, or social media comparisons is often a passing feeling,” Kristen says.
But at other times, it’s a “disguise for dissatisfaction, sadness, pain, fear, or some other emotional response to a continuing dynamic in our lives”.
To make sense of it all and escape the feeling, Kristen suggests looking at what you value most. “If one of your biggest values is helping or connecting with others, but you’re in a job that is isolating or financially focused, your restlessness might mean you need to create more alignment with this value.”
It’s about becoming clearer on your values, and discerning whether your life reflects them.
Coming back to where you are
So, it’s easy to get caught up in what could have been or what might be next. But moving out of the “if only” mindset involves accepting something many of us find uncomfortable: Deciding on a path means letting go of others.
“We can show up with more presence while acknowledging, or even grieving, the loss of possibility,” Kristen says.
When those thoughts come up, it’s not about getting rid of them, but instead noticing when they pull you away – and choosing to come back to the meaning and connection you already have in your life.
As Kristen reminds us, “The more you become stuck on the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’, the more you miss out on the right now.” Because now is where your life should be.
How to break the ‘if only’ cycle
If any of this sounds familiar, you can change things by starting small. Follow Kristen’s tips:
- Simplify your focus – Leave your phone in another room, block out time from work, or schedule one-on-one time with loved ones.
- Notice what’s already here – Gratitude isn’t about pretending everything is fine; it’s about training your attention to see the goodness that is already present.
- Ask how you want to feel – New paths will start to appear when the question is not simply what you want to achieve.
- Engage the senses – Restlessness often pulls us into our heads, so reconnect with your body through nature, music, creativity or movement.
- Pay attention to your OWN thoughts – Pause and ask whether your self-comparisons and “if only” thinking are based in reality or on a story you’ve been telling yourself about how life should be.
The article originally appeared in the July 2026 issue of The Australian Women’s Weekly. Subscribe so you never miss an issue.
