Let’s be honest; there isn’t much that’s sexy about a chronic condition.
However, getting to a place with your romantic partner where communication and support are ever-present is about as sexy as it gets.
But how can you navigate a relationship when one of you needs more physical support than the other? Or even more pressing, how do you start dating when you have a chronic condition?
The truth is, that partners rely on one another for many things — love, companionship, and being a cheerleader from job changes to friendship or family turmoils.
“Intimacy is linked to the illness and mental health itself; and navigating the illness together requires a strong bond, clear emotional expression, and solid communication,” says Clinical Psychologist, Couples Therapist, and Relationship Coach, Phoebe Rogers.
“In many cases, these illnesses can mean a person’s emotional, physical and mental capacity is unpredictable; those impacted may feel a sense of shame over their bodies, or worry about restricting their partner’s life, or being a burden; it can place some strain on the relationship regarding intimacy.”
For Nathalie Paul (44), who was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease in 2012, living with a chronic condition has been a journey of transformation, self-discovery, and resilience. Balancing her health with relationships — romantic, platonic, and professional — has shaped her life.
If you or a loved one suffers from a chronic condition like Crohn’s, IBS, or endometriosis, read on to hear about how you can navigate dating and relationships with a chronic illness.
How can your life change when you’re diagnosed with a chronic condition?
Nathalie’s diagnosis came after months of debilitating symptoms. “When they told me, it was shocking,” she recalls. “The gastroenterologist pointed to a paper with medications and said, ‘This is what you’ll need.’ It was overwhelming, but also a relief after months of uncertainty.”
Before her diagnosis, Nathalie described herself as someone who constantly pushed through pain, prioritising strength over self-awareness. “I lived by this unspoken rule: be strong, no matter what. When I realised my condition might be permanent, it forced me to reconsider how I lived my life. It was no longer about pushing through but about learning to honour my limits.”
Crohn’s can make daily life unpredictable, which sometimes complicates relationships with friends and family. Nathalie admits she once hesitated to express her needs, fearing she’d let others down. “I realised I needed to be upfront. For instance, I might not be able to eat at a dinner party, and once I communicated that it was easier for everyone.”
Even the workplace was one of Nathalie’s most challenging environments. As a barista, she found the physically demanding role exacerbated her symptoms. When employers denied her requests for breaks, she felt compelled to leave, which led to feelings of inadequacy.
“I had to prioritise my health over everything else. It was tough, but I realized there’s nothing wrong with needing accommodations — it doesn’t make me less capable or deserving.”
The challenges of dating with a chronic condition
At what point in a relationship do you let your romantic partner know that you have a chronic illness? Do you put it in your dating profile? Do you save it for a first date, or is it more third-date material?
According to Phoebe, there is no right or wrong time: “It’s a very personal decision, though I would encourage sooner rather than later; you want to understand the warmth and emotional availability of the person you are dating, and you also want to encourage openness and honesty,” she advises.
Navigating the dating world with a chronic condition like Crohn’s Disease presented unique challenges for Nathalie. Timing the revelation about her condition depended on trust and connection. “I think sooner is better — ideally after a few good dates,” she explains. “The key is being comfortable enough with yourself that sharing feels natural, not fear-driven.”
Her openness has led to a variety of reactions from partners. While her ex-husband was supportive, her next partner’s invalidation caused a lot of strain. Now, she values communication and mutual respect above all else. “It’s about finding someone who doesn’t just tolerate your condition but truly validates and supports you.”
How can you communicate your needs to your romantic partner?
Open and honestly says Nathalie. Today, She is in a relationship with a partner who respects and supports her journey. “Communication is our foundation,” she says. Whether it’s explaining why she can’t participate in certain activities or being honest about her symptoms, Nathalie values openness.
“Once, he made cinnamon scrolls, and eating them made me feel awful. I had to tell him, ‘This isn’t about you, but I can’t eat these.’ He completely understood, and we moved on. That kind of understanding is invaluable.”
“Boundaries determine our emotional safety,” adds Phoebe. “With an illness, there may be physical limitations, a feeling of pressure to participate in events… it’s important to listen to what feels okay and not okay.
If there’s a worry about being a burden, then look at where you are being responsible for your health and taking care of yourself; but ultimately, all humans need help — have really honest and real conversations about each partner’s capacity, emotional world, energy, and struggles.”
How to navigate the ups and downs of a relationship with a chronic condition?
All relationships have their ups and downs. We have many stressors in life that can stem from or be brought into our home lives. Your health is a contributing factor.
For someone who has a partner with a chronic condition, it would be a falsehood to say that they are not impacted. It’s only natural that a person could become frustrated from time to time.
“Resentment must be dealt with immediately in my opinion; otherwise it festers,” says Phoebe. “Talk it out, acknowledge the reality of how you feel, and listen to your partner. Try not to take your partner’s frustration personally too — often there is sadness and hurt lying underneath. Anger and being mean or critical though isn’t acceptable and should be dealt with.
Empathy is everything…flexibility can be helpful, as is patience, but also not beating yourself up too much for struggling… Clear, direct, honest communication is better than holding things in.”
Marriage and long-term partnerships with chronic illness
When you’ve found the person who has committed to being with you, that can also bring challenges. People don’t remain in stasis. They get sick, they get better, they learn, they grow, and their needs can change over time.
“Be wary of expectations — your relationship is your own, and don’t compare it to others; it’s also important for each individual in the partnership to meet their own needs as much as possible — for intellectual stimulation, emotional support, fun, play, hobbies. Try to avoid being overly self-sacrificing, and know that connection must be worked on every day,” recommends Phoebe.
Regardless of whether or not one of you has a chronic condition, your needs change over time, including your need for physical intimacy. Not always a conversation that people are comfortable having. But being physical with your partner is an important part of your relationship.
“Don’t be afraid to go there and have a chat about your needs, longings, what you’re missing, and desiring, without judgement, and with compassion. Emotional and physical intimacy often, but not always go hand in hand. If intimacy has been lacking, start with touch, lying beside each other, and being open to creative ways of intimacy, ” says Phoebe.
“A skilled couples or sex therapist with expertise can absolutely help, and help you each understand what is driving and contributing to the change in intimacy; each case needs a detailed assessment to determine what shifts need to happen, and how to move towards more physical and emotional closeness; it may even mean looking at your individual mental health.”
Love isn’t just for romantic partners
Your romantic partner should not be your only support person in your life. Supportive friends and family members make a world of difference regardless of whether you have a chronic condition — especially when it comes to your dating life. “The people I connect with most are those who are willing to hear me without judgment,” Nathalie shares.
Having a support network of friends, family and healthcare workers is essential: “It’s critical; start with your specialist or GP; but certainly then you could find a skilled couples therapist via the Australian Psychological Society (APS) or Clinical Psychology Association (ACPA), and other counsellors and sex therapists would belong to other associations; just always check training and skills closely,” adds Phoebe.
“Friendships can outlive relationships. Remember that.”
Accepting yourself comes before accepting others
Nathalie’s journey to acceptance and self-worth wasn’t easy, but it’s one she believes others can navigate with the right mindset and support.
- Validate Your Experience
“Acknowledge your pain — physical, emotional, and mental. Don’t deny it or try to push through without honouring your feelings.” - Take Responsibility for Your Needs
“Communicate openly about how you’re feeling and what you need. This isn’t about blaming others but about ensuring you’re cared for.” - Find Empowerment in Challenges
“Pain often carries a message. By listening to it, I’ve found strength and clarity. You are still lovable and worthy, even on your worst days.” - Build a Support Network
“Don’t rely solely on a partner for support. Seek therapists, doctors, or holistic practitioners who can guide you. Others can’t do the work for you, but they can light the way.”
Ultimately, Nathalie emphasises the importance of self-worth when it comes to your love life and dating when you have a chronic condition like Crohn’s. “I no longer tolerate partners who don’t validate me. Being in a relationship where you have to hide your struggles or feel unheard creates stress — and for me, that stress led to flare-ups.”
She encourages others to set standards and trust that the right person will love them for who they are. “You are not less deserving of love because of your condition. Your journey only deepens your humanity and resilience.”
“Authenticity and vulnerability are often the keys to feeling seen, known and understood; so, whilst it can be scary to let in a date or an intimate partner, it can be rewarding when you get there.”
