Coercive control can be hard to recognise. It often starts small and builds over time, and the abuse can be subtle and sneaky. It can be mistaken for (or justified as) concern from a loving partner, but beneath the surface lies a pattern of manipulation and control that slowly chips away at your sense of self. Coercive control is a dangerous underpinning dynamic of domestic and family violence. Whether it’s controlling who you see, how you dress, or making you doubt your own decisions, coercive control can cause serious harm.
So how do you spot the signs before it’s too late? According to Sandra Keogh, co-convenor of Queensland Domestic Violence Services Network (QDVSN) and CEO of Cairns Regional DV Service, coercive control is often thought of as a singular tactic.
“It’s not,” she tells Women’s Weekly. “Coercive control is a constellation of abuse and pattern of behaviour that is aimed at dominating and controlling the life of another person — a calculated and concerted attack on dignity, autonomy, liberty and equality.”
It does not always include physical violence. Think more subtle and manipulative behaviours like gaslighting, jealousy, isolation and financial control. “Ultimately, this type of control can significantly impact someone’s sense of self and have them doubting their capacity or right to make decisions without consulting with the person using violence,” Keogh explains.
Queensland is the second state in Australia to criminalise coercive control, after New South Wales passed the legislation in 2022. Since then, a recent report from the NSW Government reveals that coercive control played a role in nearly every domestic and family violence death in NSW over the past two decades.
One of the most public coercive control cases in Queensland included the devasting murders of Hannah Clarke and her three children by her estranged husband.
“I never saw it coming,” Lloyd Clarke, Hannah’s father, told Women’s Weekly in 2022. “They started saying it was coercive control. We go, ‘What the hell is coercive control?’ That’s when we decided to try to do something about it. We didn’t want another family to go through what we had to go through.”
Below, we speak to Keogh about the signs you should never ignore, what truly defines a healthy relationship, and the steps you can take if things don’t feel quite right in your relationship.
How can you spot the signs of coercive control in your own relationship?
“Context and intent is really important. Almost any behaviour can be abusive if there is a fear or threat of repercussions attached to it. Often someone who uses violence frames their behaviours as though they are in your best interests and tries to leverage the ‘specialness’ of your relationship. They will also sometimes try to drive wedges between you and your support networks, making it hard or uncomfortable to stay connected.
“Alternatively, they may pressure you into changing your personal style. For example: ‘I much prefer when women have long hair and wear long skirts, it’s so much more feminine and appealing.’ What might start as subtle suggestions that you may adopt on occasion because it pleases your partner may become an obligation, because an element of ‘punishment’ has crept in when you don’t do those things.”
What does emotional abuse look like?
“It can be easy to forget that someone who is abusive isn’t necessarily abusive all of the time, and they are often very good at explaining away their behaviour or blaming the victim-survivor. They will test boundaries and only acknowledge them if, and when, it suits them. Another tactic that is really common is constantly shifting expectations.
“A victim-survivor might get told, ‘I wouldn’t have to do that, if only you would…’ and they change their behaviour to accommodate the request, but the person using violence creates another excuse or justification to be abusive. This is exhausting for victim-survivors because there is a constant sense of never being good enough and that somehow the abuse is their fault.
“People who use abuse are often master manipulators and can be very successful in recruiting and misleading people outside of the relationship about their abuse of the victim-survivor. It’s very common for someone who uses abuse to frame their partner as ‘mad’, ‘bad’ or even abusive.”
What should you do if you think you’re experiencing coercive control?
“If someone is experiencing coercive control, first and foremost, it is essential to know that it’s not your fault. Please know that help is available and there are different ways of accessing support and services – services like 1800RESPECT can be contacted by phone or by visiting their website, they can also let you know where your closest specialist domestic violence service is located.
“Specialist services tend to be free, are confidential and can help you explore your safety and options. If you’re unsure about contacting a service, consider talking to a safe person that you trust about what’s happening for you.”
How can you help a loved one you suspect is experiencing coercive control?
“It can be really important to have gentle curiosity about what is happening for your friend or family member. It can be crucial to ask questions that are not yes or no responses, leave space for someone to let you know what’s happening or that your worry is misplaced. For example:
- ‘It sounds like …. is making a lot of decisions for the both of you. It’s not a criticism, I’m just wondering how that is sitting with you?’
- ‘I’ve noticed that …. often makes jokes at your expense, are things okay?’
- ‘When they say or do that, what does that mean to you?’
“It’s also important to be prepared for them to push back and reject the idea that they may be experiencing abuse. People will often leave and then return to the relationship for several valid reasons. This isn’t failure, this is often gathering resources and strength each time. Leaving, attempting to leave or having recently left is the most dangerous for a victim-survivor. It’s not as simple as ‘just leave.’”
“Your safety is important, and you shouldn’t directly confront someone or engage with a person using violence if it puts you in danger, or the victim-survivor at further risk”
— Sandra Keogh
How do you approach someone you think is using violence in their relationship?
“If you hear or observe your friend being controlling or abusive, if it feels safe enough, speak to them about it. Again, you don’t have to be confrontational, a simple, ‘I heard you talking to Jane/John the other day and I’ve never heard you be like that with anyone. Is everything alright? Can I help in any way?’
“I think it’s time we started asking questions of the person using violence, rather than the victim-survivor. A really helpful resource is the Be There app which offers tools and tips to support someone having a difficult time in their relationship.”
On the flip side, what are the signs of a healthy relationship?
“Healthy relationships are steeped in a sense of safety and mutual respect. You can be your authentic self around your partner without fear of repercussions. Even if there is something difficult to talk to about, you know you can do it and while it might be uncomfortable, everyone is fundamentally safe.
“There is communication and sometimes negotiation (without manipulation) around boundaries, expectations and decision-making. It doesn’t mean that there are no disagreements, but it means that each person is safe, respected and heard even when you don’t necessarily agree with the other person’s perspective.
“Living free from violence is a basic human right – everyone should be safe in their own home and in their relationships.”
From 26 May 2025, under the new Queensland laws, it will be illegal for an adult to engage in a course of conduct consisting of abusive behaviours towards their current, or former, intimate partner, family member, or someone they provide (unpaid) care for with the intention to control or coerce them. Find information on Queensland’s See the patterns of coercive control campaign here.
Helplines:
- Need to Know
- 1800 Respect: 1800 737 732
- DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811
- Mensline Australia: 1300 789 978
- Lifeline: 131 113
- 13YARN: 13 92 76
- Kids Helpline:1800 551 800
- National Violence and Abuse Trauma Counselling and Recovery Service: 1800 FULLSTOP (1800 385 578).
- Rainbow Sexual, Domestic and Family Violence Helpline: 1800 497 212
- Don’t Become That Man helpline: 1300 243 413
- innerBoy app – innerboy.au
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